Everything in Me
by BurumaBabe
Summary: The fourth in an as yet to be named series of shorts that really began after writing 'Crossroads'. Follows 'Care to Explain' Reviews are appreciated!


Disclaimer: I own no characters that occur within the Stephanie Plum series. Nor do I own anything that comes from the brilliance of JR Ward. *pouting* Though I wish I could claim the BDB.

No spoilers really.

_Dedicated to Kym—for you babe! Almost there!_

_**Everything In Me**_

_By: BurumaBabe_

**Three weeks ago** Stephanie had quietly let herself out of Ranger's apartment after calling Ranger on what she believed were his main reasons for keeping her at arms length. And prior to that she had dealt with Joe. All of this after coming to a bitter realization about her relationship with her mother.

Slipping her feet into her boots, she laced them comfortably while checking through a to-do list in her head. She had finished up just about everything she had to do tonight. The apartment was clean, trash taken out, Rex had fresh shavings and water and the last of her phone calls had been made. There was one last important thing to do. Just thinking about it made her neck tense. But she had to do it.

Steph left the bedroom, heading for the kitchen for a drink. Moving into the dining room, she looked out the window at the quarter moon hanging in the sky. As she sipped the bottle of water she smiled, realizing that Ranger's healthier habits had begun to rub off on her in the last few months.

The apartment was quiet and she had no trouble picking up the tell-tale sound that heralded Ranger's arrival—the tumbling of her front door lock. He had a key, he just never used it.

He was silent as he stepped into the apartment, closing the door quietly. She watched him reflected in the window as he moved into the living room, glancing around and coming to a stop when he saw her.

"Hello Ranger," she said quietly. They hadn't seen or spoken to each other since that night three weeks ago. While she had kept busy, how much she missed even just a passing smile of 'hello' was a revelation. She wondered if it was the same for him.

"Babe."

She turned around when he spoke. He looked as stunningly handsome as ever but she could see that underneath it he wasn't his usual self. He looked tired and his eyes seemed wary, even a little sad under that blank expression he wore. Silence stretched between them, neither wanting to be the first to speak, neither quite knowing where to start.

"If I ask, will you tell me what's going on?"

His voice washed over her, a comforting sound that warmed her aching heart. God she had missed him. Steph closed her eyes, a rueful smile on her face. Opening her eyes she glanced around the apartment.

"I would think it's somewhat obvious, Ranger." She gestured to the boxes stacked neatly against the wall of the nearly empty apartment. "I think that question would be better directed at you. What's going on Ranger? Why are you here?"

His jaw clenched quickly before relaxing. His blank face softened as he spoke quietly. "Babe, please tell me."

Stephanie shook her head. "No, Ranger. You're not the one asking questions. I am. And I only have a few. Why are you here?"

"Babe." He was as close to pleading as he'd ever get. Not that he was pleading. Ranger didn't plead. But it was apparent that he really did want to know and that it was important. "What's going on? I haven't been in Trenton. I—"

Stephanie laughed softly. "I know you haven't been in Trenton Ranger. How long did it take for you to leave? A day? Two? And now you're here, three weeks later, and you want to talk. No, wait. You want to know what's going on, not talk. Am I right?"

She waited, watching him carefully as his jaw clenched and unclenched and his eyes bored into hers.

"I left the next day. After I saw you leaving the bonds office. I needed some space, needed to think."

"And you couldn't have done that in Trenton?"

"No, I couldn't. I haven't been able to in a long time." He closed his eyes and Steph resisted the urge to reach out to him, to move into his arms. He let out a breath and emotions played in his eyes when he looked at her. "I haven't been able to since the Ramos thing. Hell, you've been in my head since that day in the diner."

That piece of information was a surprise to her and she was sure it showed. She went to say something, but Ranger kept talking, his voice low, strained and tight.

"Staying in Trenton wasn't an option. You're everywhere here. There's no where I go that doesn't make me think of you somehow. I go to PD and I see you bringing in a skip; I drive past the Tasty Pastry and I see you, _hear_ you, biting into a Boston crème. I see everything I don't have, _can't_ have, everything that I want but won't risk because keeping you safe means _everything_ to me, _is_ everything to me. The thought of something happening to you, of not seeing you—it makes my blood run cold."

Stephanie stood frozen as he spoke, her mind racing as his words registered, breathless at the emotion in his eyes. It was no secret that Ranger cared about her, that her safety was important to him, but this, this was different. Never before had he voiced thoughts like this, fears like this, to her. And it broke her heart that he was only able to do so now of all times.

"I left so I could think and I came straight here and I haven't spoken to anyone so I'm a little surprised to see boxes lining the walls of your apartment. Stephanie, please tell me what's going on."

She turned back to the window, swallowing past the lump in her throat, reminding herself that this was the last thing on her list that she had to do. This wasn't how she was planning on doing it, but since there was no putting it off or escaping it at the moment, she'd have to deal with it, ready or not.

"I've done a lot of thinking and searching the last few weeks and I've come to some realizations about myself that I have to say, I didn't like very much."

He didn't say anything, just stood there waiting to hear her out.

"A lot of it you know already—my mother, Joe, the conversation you and I had—but I've gotten past those things. I've realized that if I don't step up and change things, everything will remain the same and I'll be unhappy for the rest of my life."

She turned to him, willing the tears to not fill her eyes. "I love you Ranger. In a way I've never loved anyone before." He sucked in a breath at her words and she kept going. "I love you like I never thought possible. You kiss me and I forget to breathe. You pull away and I feel like I can't breathe without you, like I need you to breathe. It kills me a little every time you leave, every time you push and pull, seeing how far you can go without giving yourself over to it."

"Babe, I—" he started, taking a step towards her before she spoke again.

"I'm leaving Ranger."

He froze, stunned at her words.

"Tonight. Now actually. I was just about to come and see you."

"Why?" he whispered.

"To say goodbye."

"No, why are you leaving? Don't. I won't let you."

She shook her head sadly. "You can't stop me Ranger. I'm leaving because I need to, _have_ to. I have to figure out who I am, where I belong. And right now, it isn't in Trenton."

"Babe, I love you. You know that. Don't leave. You belong here, with me."

She walked up to him and cradled his face in her hands, her eyes filled with tears, looking at his beautiful face, staring into his dark eyes, eyes that showed his hurt at her decision. Gently she drew his face down to hers, pressing her lips against his, softly until his arms came up and pulled her into him, the kiss becoming more. His lips slanted across hers, his tongue coaxed her mouth open, duelling with hers as they clung to each other.

When they finally broke apart, they were both gasping and tears streaked Stephanie's face. Ranger wiped them away with his thumbs and tucked her into his chest, holding her tightly. Against her wild curls, he whispered, "Please don't leave me Babe. We can figure it out together. I promise."

Steph took a deep breath, loving the feel of him, the smell of Bulgari and Ranger surrounding her before pulling away, stepping out of his embrace.

She shook her head, tears pricking her eyes again. "No, Ranger. I can't stay. I _need_ to go, _need_ to do this for myself. And, if it's meant to be, for you and me. Because if I don't, I don't think I'll be able to live the rest of my life without questioning my actions tonight. As it is, I may, no, probably will, question walking away from you for the rest of my life. But I have to. For me. And for you. I can't do this unless I can do this with everything in me. It wouldn't be fair to you. A few weeks ago I would have said yes without a second thought, but I know better now. It has nothing to do with you except for being what you deserve and that's everything. And I can't give you everything until I've done this, figured this out. You mean too much to me."

She moved closer and reached up, brushing her lips across his and whispered, "Goodbye, Ranger. I love you."

He didn't try and stop her when she moved away, picking her purse up off a box. He didn't say anything as he turned, tracking her movements as she gathered Rex's cage up in her arms, her keys in her hand.

He said nothing until she reached for the door handle.

"**What is wrong with you," he whispered, "that you care so much about me?"***

Stephanie paused as she turned the handle. Looking back over her shoulder, she smiled sadly and said, "**What is wrong with you that you can't see why I would?"***

She looked at him for a moment more, knowing that the love she felt for him was showing in her eyes, on her face, before opening the door and slipping quietly into the hall, leaving Ranger standing in her moonlit apartment.

**_*_ _From the fabulous JR Ward, author of the Black Dagger Brotherhood series. Lover Enshrined, page 420_**


End file.
